Two years ago I read this book and loved it. I enjoyed reading it and the ideas and attitudes it represented towards eating. I recently picked it back up during a nice bubble bath and ended up wanted to drown my copy of it and then light it on fire.
Do you know those women that are really good at insulting you as you sip coffee together or saying things that make them seem so much better than you, but you don't realize it until the conversation is over and you're driving home getting furious as you replay the conversation in your mind? Older women are very good at this if they acquire the skill. European women are EXTREMELY good at this at an earlier age - or at least that has been my experience. Their fancy accents must throw me off and I think that they say rude things such as "You're legs are very round" or "You're buttocks is big" due to their lack of english speaking experience. Later, I realize that I shouldn't have given them the benefit of the doubt as they use words such as "impeccable", "vivacious", and "conceptual"...clearly showing mastery of english. Those bitches...they're much smarter than me.
But anyway, Mireille Guiliano is one of those women.
Upon our little revisit, I opened her book and became furious and snarky. I couldn't help it - I had to grab a pen and start writing in the margins. I was translating her old-lady-insult-language into what she is actually saying for all of us simpleton American women...and now may I present to you the translations for your benefit...
fat isn't funny's translation of French Women Don't Get Fat
...or at least parts of it
Today we shall cover Chapter 8: Liquid Assets. Mireille writes about the importance of water and how Americans do not get enough, but French people do. Please read with an aristocratic accent in your head, whatever that sounds like to you. For me it is always a nasally British accent with my nose in the air and half-closed eyes...I wish I knew of others, but it's my go-to accent for pretending to be an aristocratic, smug person that is good at being condescending.
pg. 156: About her coworkers: "But rarely do I see any of them at the water cooler, the proverbial American gathering point for goofing off."
FIF Translation: The Water Cooler Discussions do not happen since you all do not drink enough water. That saying is a lie, therefore you are all liars.
"The contrast with our Paris headquarters couldn't be more stark. Each day a one-liter bottle of water is distributed to each office and cubicle, and if that's not enough (and it isn't!), there's a room always filled with them, where anyone can go to get more. When we have meetings, bottles are set up all over the conference room."
FIF Translation: Each day a water fairy drops little bottles of love in our PARIS office. It's just one big effing water Utopia.
pg. 157 On growing up in France: "Everyone starts the day with a glass of water. At every meal, there is always a big bottle of mineral water on the table. People help themselves throughout the day - and it isn't kept in the fridge."
FIF Translation: It is just one big water orgy of health here, especially compared to your drought of health and culture. Water in the refrigerator? Pew-pew, silly Americans.
pg. 158 On the taste of water: "In case you were wondering, American mineral waters are considered bland. Could this hint at why almost two-thirds of the population is chronically dehydrated? Perhaps, but it surely must explain in part why we import so much water not only from France and Italy, but from dozens of other countries. It amuses me in American restaurants to be routinely offered water from Fiji - an 'artesian' variety."
FIF Translation: We French have sophisticated palates, and considering Fiji water as "artesian"? Hysterical! I would also quote the Water Boy movie here by saying, " Your water sucks, it really really sucks!", but I lack all humor unless it involves natural yogurt that I culture myself...the shapes of the raisins I like to put in mine can be very silly looking sometimes...I sometimes can see little faces in them. I can catch details such as this because my brain is hydrated...unlike yours.
pg. 160 On when coffee is served: "In France, coffee is usually reserved for breakfast and the end of a meal. We don't drink it all day long as some Americans do; that's an awful habit."
FIF Translation: You are uncivilized savage beasts.
On tea salons in France: "While I do notice more tea salons (black tea), I fear their job is mainly to lure tourists looking for another place to eat pastry!" <insert smug laugh>
FIF Translation: We French business owners outsmart the fat and foolish swarms of foreigners everytime.
pg. 161 More on growing up in France: "In my home, we were all addicted to herbal teas."
FIF Translation: As opposed to American children fancying spoons of marshmallow cream. I believe that herbal teas would be the equivalent to no flavor added rice cakes to American children. May I reiterate, we French have sophisticated palates.
Continuing her spiel on tea and being a child: "Sometimes we'd concoct our own aromatic blends and bundle them into sachets, alongside which the bleached supermarket teabags of today seem pathetically sterile and inert."
FIF Translation: You can try to duplicate my rich experiences, but you will fail unless your teabag is made of 100% finely laced antique silk that has aged through heavy use for at least 75 years.
Well, I guess that pretty much covers Chapter 8: Liquid Assets. There are a lot of good points made on water's behalf, but I just wasn't feelin' it when I opened it up again. Perhaps when I read it again I was in an ill-mood due to dehydration.
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