French Women Don't Get Fat: Revisiting Mireille Guiliano's Book

Two years ago I read this book and loved it.  I enjoyed reading it and the ideas and attitudes it represented towards eating.  I recently picked it back up during a nice bubble bath and ended up wanted to drown my copy of it and then light it on fire.

Do you know those women that are really good at insulting you as you sip coffee together or saying things that make them seem so much better than you, but you don't realize it until the conversation is over and you're driving home getting furious as you replay the conversation in your mind?  Older women are very good at this if they acquire the skill.  European women are EXTREMELY good at this at an earlier age  - or at least that has been my experience.  Their fancy accents must throw me off and I think that they say rude things such as "You're legs are very round" or "You're buttocks is big" due to their lack of english speaking experience.  Later, I realize that I shouldn't have given them the benefit of the doubt as they use words such as "impeccable", "vivacious", and "conceptual"...clearly showing mastery of english.  Those bitches...they're much smarter than me.

But anyway, Mireille Guiliano is one of those women.

Upon our little revisit, I opened her book and became furious and snarky.  I couldn't help it - I had to grab a pen and start writing in the margins.  I was translating her old-lady-insult-language into what she is actually saying for all of us simpleton American women...and now may I present to you the translations for your benefit...

fat isn't funny's translation of French Women Don't Get Fat

...or at least parts of it

Today we shall cover Chapter 8: Liquid Assets.  Mireille writes about the importance of water and how Americans do not get enough, but French people do.  Please read with an aristocratic accent in your head, whatever that sounds like to you.  For me it is always a nasally British accent with my nose in the air and half-closed eyes...I wish I knew of others, but it's my go-to accent for pretending to be an aristocratic, smug person that is good at being condescending.

pg. 156:  About her coworkers:  "But rarely do I see any of them at the water cooler, the proverbial American gathering point for goofing off." 

FIF Translation:  The Water Cooler Discussions do not happen since you all do not drink enough water.  That saying is a lie, therefore you are all liars.


"The contrast with our Paris headquarters couldn't be more stark.  Each day a one-liter bottle of water is distributed to each office and cubicle, and if that's not enough (and it isn't!), there's a room always filled with them, where anyone can go to get more.  When we have meetings, bottles are set up all over the conference room."

FIF Translation:  Each day a water fairy drops little bottles of love in our PARIS office.  It's just one big effing water Utopia.


pg. 157 On growing up in France:  "Everyone starts the day with a glass of water.  At every meal, there is always a big bottle of mineral water on the table.  People help themselves throughout the day - and  it isn't kept in the fridge."

FIF Translation:  It is just one big water orgy of health here, especially compared to your drought of health and culture.  Water in the refrigerator? Pew-pew, silly Americans.


pg. 158  On the taste of water:  "In case you were wondering, American mineral waters are considered bland.  Could this hint at why almost two-thirds of the population is chronically dehydrated?  Perhaps, but it surely must explain in part why we import so much water not only from France and Italy, but from dozens of other countries.  It amuses me in American restaurants to be routinely offered water from Fiji - an 'artesian' variety."

FIF Translation:  We French have sophisticated palates, and considering Fiji water as "artesian"?  Hysterical!  I would also quote the Water Boy movie here by saying, " Your water sucks, it really really sucks!", but I lack all humor unless it involves natural yogurt that I culture myself...the shapes of the raisins I like to put in mine can be very silly looking sometimes...I sometimes can see little faces in them.  I can catch details such as this because my brain is hydrated...unlike yours.


pg. 160  On when coffee is served:  "In France, coffee is usually reserved for breakfast and the end of a meal.  We don't drink it all day long as some Americans do; that's an awful habit."

FIF Translation:  You are uncivilized savage beasts.


On tea salons in France:  "While I do notice more tea salons (black tea), I fear their job is mainly to lure tourists looking for another place to eat pastry!" <insert smug laugh>

FIF Translation:  We French business owners outsmart the fat and foolish swarms of foreigners everytime.


pg. 161 More on growing up in France:  "In my home, we were all addicted to herbal teas."

FIF Translation:  As opposed to American children fancying spoons of marshmallow cream.  I believe that herbal teas would be the equivalent to no flavor added rice cakes to American children.  May I reiterate, we French have sophisticated palates.


Continuing her spiel on tea and being a child:  "Sometimes we'd concoct our own aromatic blends and bundle them into sachets, alongside which the bleached supermarket teabags of today seem pathetically sterile and inert."

FIF Translation:  You can try to duplicate my rich experiences, but you will fail unless your teabag is made of 100% finely laced antique silk that has aged through heavy use for at least 75 years.



Well, I guess that pretty much covers Chapter 8: Liquid Assets.  There are a lot of good points made on water's behalf, but I just wasn't feelin' it when I opened it up again.  Perhaps when I read it again I was in an ill-mood due to dehydration.

Thinking Out Loud Session: An Exercise in Priorities and Meaning

-2.8 pounds, down to 166.0...but who cares?

This last week has been a bit of a wake up call.  We lost a friend this week.  Funny how death makes everything else in life look so pointless and trivial.  Weight loss?  Who cares.  Career problems?  Who cares.  Remembering the loved one, honoring them the best we know how, and dealing with the loss by making every moment count with the people around us is suddenly the priority.

It is a reminder of priorities.  Making every moment count with the people around us should ALWAYS be a priority.  If it isn't, we need to make some adjustments.  If we are failing to fully live, we need to make some adjustments.  These adjustments can be made immediately...they do not have to wait until Monday, or the first of the next month.

And then comes the analysis of what it means to live fully, and make every moment count.  What does this mean to you?  To fully live...

1. Cherish people around you, even ones you don't necessarily get along with.  We are in this together.  Try to connect.  Be able to go to sleep each night with the ease of knowing that you loved your loved ones and were even nice to the A-holes in your life...afterall, you may be the jerkface in the his/her life, and perhaps you can break the cycle with each small connection - even if it's just a smile and a "hello".  Maybe it will eventually stack up and you will no longer be mutual A-holes.  It's worth a shot.

2.  Follow your passion.  Do not rob the world of what you have to offer.  Do not let things hold you back.  Keep moving.  Keep going forward even when the odds are not in your favor.  Who says we have to be perfect at what we love to do?  Play guitar, write, draw, paint, plan, knit, craft, clean, exercise, play with Tonka trucks, go to car shows, garden, play games, do puzzles, laugh, tell jokes, sing, whistle, build things, talk to your pets!  Passions do not need to be a serious endeavor - they are what you ultimately enjoy and sets your soul free.  Wherever your passion lies, go there.  Do it, and by all means, have fun.  Chances are it will make you happier and this happiness will be paid forward to someone else without any effort.  It may make someone else's day with what you have done, or the simple improvement of your mood may make someone else's day improve.

There are more, but I want to get to the point of this - after we analyze what it means to live fully according to our own personalities and drives, the "trivial" things creep in and don't seem so trivial anymore.

After all, why are Samm and I doing this blog?  Why are we wanting to lose weight and improve our health?  Because it is supportive to what it means to us to live fully.  We want the chance to be around to enjoy our loved ones and each other longer if that is a possibility.  We want to pursue our passions and see them through as much as we can while we are here.  Suddenly the weight loss thing isn't as trivial as what it first appears.  It is not pointless.  It would mean we wouldn't have health working against us, but for us in order to pursue life. 

All grieving is not created equal.  We experience it's depths differently, and the meaning of the loss is different according to our interpretations and relations.  I'm not saying that after this post I'm going to be all "YeeHaw for Weight Loss" and immediately renewed.  It's not about that.  It's just about finding meaning to our everyday pursuits and re-evaluating priorities.  This is my scramble for meaning, and I hope that by sharing this it somehow helps those who are hurting more than I can imagine for their loss of a loved one.  Love to all.

"You Fat Keep You Warm": Consuela In The Flesh!

It has been awhile since I have seen Tracy Anderson's Dance Cardio or Mat Workout Routines.  I'll be honest.  I do miss her and the routines...even though the music was getting to where Matthew even knew the words and it was driving us both crazy!  I was beginning to create a music compilation to play while I had the DVD on mute that featured Gnarls Barkley, The Cure, and Radiohead when suddenly...

I BECAME CONSUELA.

No, I didn't suddenly get an amazing accent and say, "I noooo" or "I need more Lemon Pledge".  I was hired as a Custodian, and so I get to wear fancy yellow gloves just like my favorite character from Family Guy.  Lucky, right? :)...okay, so no, it's not paying my bills through my artwork, and it's not teaching either, but we do what we do to get by.  Besides that, I have an awesome coworker and amazing Supervisors.  In that regard, I did get extremely lucky!

Since I have become a kindred spirit of Consuela, I have not had the energy to even think about doing a Tracy Anderson routine.  Custodian work is no joke!  It is not very much different than an eight hour workout.  I spend the time with a raised heart rate by walking, bending, lifting, carrying, pushing, pulling, and above all else, SWEATING! 

I lost weight due to this job.  If anyone is serious about weight loss, I would suggest a manual labor line of work if they do not want to workout on their own time. It has taken a couple of weeks for my body to get used to the job.  In the beginning, I couldn't hardly walk the next day until it was time to go back in.  Now, I am only stiff for a couple of hours in the morning, and then I'm alright.  As the week progresses, my muscles get more tired and the weekends are great for recuperating.  I'm hoping with time the tired stiffness will continue to lessen. 

This past Sunday when I weighed myself, I weighed the same as I did the previous week.  I'm not worried.  I know that in the next couple of weigh-ins I will lose more, and this is just how my body functions.  If I don't lose more weight, I will know that it is time to add Tracy Anderson back into the mix, and my body will be prepared for it...though I'm hoping that I don't have to go to such an extreme.  

As for Consuela, here are some of her funniest moments courtesy of YouTube (uploaded by ProductionsPerez):

http://youtu.be/QZP7or7hMS0

Enjoy!

Dear Susan Anton, You Awkward Diva, You!

Oh, Susan Anton and the Slimatics videos of my youth.  Somehow we had a couple of these Slimatics videos in our house when I was growing up, and I believe that this is how I got hooked on Dance Cardio workouts.  I had a love/hate relationship with them.  I loved them and hated them for their outrageously cheesy saxophone music, obnoxiously shiney apparrel, and Susan Anton's wannabe-Mick Jagger moves.  Her moves gave comedic relief, and I couldn't help but giggle a bit during the workout. 

I hated the cool-downs though.  She always looked at the camera and adjusted her hair as if she was the sexiest thing since...sliced bread?  It was awkward and uncomfortable.

Anyway, she was a nerd for sure, which was comforting to a chubby ten year old.  I loved when she made mistakes.  That was the best part of the whole thing.  It was hilarious.  I coveted those parts of the workout.  "Silly fool.  Everybody knows that the grapevine move is next."

Perhaps we should bring it back so exercisers will not feel inadequate next to the fitness goddesses in videos today.  The shiney, annoying spandex.  The sweatbands.  The awful saxophones.  The awkward sequences.  If only Samm and I lived closer.

If you asked me at the time if I worked out to those videos, I would have denied it with embarrassment.  I knew it wasn't a "cool".  But you ask me this now, and I will stand up and cheer!  Susan Anton's Slimatics videos were the bees knees of humourous workouts!  Hellz to the yes!  

Drum roll please...


Hold onto your hats!


I'm down to 168.8!!  That's -4.0 impossible pounds! (5.8 since Aug 14th)

No, I will be one of those people who tell you "this week was better because I did everything right.  I kept track of every calorie!", because that would be a lie.  This week was similar to the ones before.  I cannot explain to you why all of a sudden a body wants to function properly.  It puts up quite a fight sometimes when we are doing all of the right things and still do not see it reflected in emperical progress.  Our bodies can be so stubbornly resistant to change.

Fitness gurus get my [insert "feathers ruffled", or "panties in a bunch", or basically any polite way of saying "pissed off" or "-ing annoyed"] when they make losing weight seem so simple by saying, "It's all about burning more calories than you take in.  It's a numbers game."  Really?  Is it?  Because my body does not go by that simple formula.  It holds on.  It resists.  It fights to keep every calorie packed onto it for an energy savings account anywhere it can fit.  Sometimes it feels like a two-year old with a death grip on a sucker.  You know you're stronger than the two-year old, but it takes a long time to finally pull the chubby, sticky, clenched fingers off the little stick. 

Not that I'm running around stealing suckers from two-year olds world round, but you can imagine...any red flavor especially.

Do I feel different? Yes, a little.  I notice in the mornings that I physically feel a bit lighter...not as much gravity weighing me down I guess?  I've noticed that my stomach has lost some of it's padding.  I don't feel as fatigued during the day as I did before I started exercising more (about 6 weeks ago).  I don't have to rely on afternoon coffee for energy, though I enjoy it when I can.  I have slept a lot better and haven't had any insomniac spells since I started this, which truly is saying something.  There's less time of laying my head on the pillow before I am asleep, and I haven't had to do my countdown trick to get to sleep either....more on that later. 

Bring on Week Six!

Fat Media

This is an advertisement I came across in an artist's blog.  It's a print advertisement from Anabell to fight Bulimia.  They should have included yellow teeth and thin-falling-out hair...it must be a wig, because I don't think a Bulimic of that extreme could grow such luxurious hair.  I think what's more frightening than the doll itself would be the accessories that would come with it.  Accessories are always important when chosing a Barbie.  Just sayin'.

Another interesting thing I came across is a television show called "Supersize vs. Superskinny".  It's on OWN on Monday nights and it's such a crazy show!  One extremely thin person and an overweight person trade their typical diets for a week to come to the realization of how their nutrition is ridiculous.  I would think that this would be dangerous, and it may be, but it is a powerful teacher to the participants.  If you have yet to see this, check it out!  It also has little excerpts of fun little exposes on different topics throughout the show that are extremely interesting. 

Another television show is about to begin too - my true addiction - "The Biggest Loser".  It is once again without Jillian Michaels, which completely sucks, but I will watch it anyway.  Love me some Bob Harper, and it's fabulous when he gets mad enough to drop profanities.  There's something fascinating about that.  Anyway, I look forward to being motivated by that show...I vow to no longer eat ice cream or pizza while watching it this season.  What is with that anyway?  I know a ton of people that eat "naughty" things while watching that show.  Are we just rebels?  We are rebels armed with cake as we watch other people in excruciating workouts sweating until they look as if they went swimming with their clothes on.

I wonder what would happen if we actually did this at a gym as we watched people workout.  It would be a freakin' anarchy!  I would love to see a flashmob do THIS!  Oprah's Michigan Avenue dance mob would have nothing on the cake, pizza, and icecream eaters at a 24 Hour Fitness!

Dramatic Results on a Diagonal!

This is my progress so far that brings total weight lost to 1.8 pounds.  Not bad for FOUR WEEKS of SWEATY HELL.  (*Please note that the math is incorrect on the chart - I left it as a notification of my being mathematically optimistic...some may call it 'challenged'.)

Anyway, after seeing my weak results after a month of hardwork, I decided that perhaps photography propaganda could help.

Note that the chart is the same, but the diagonal angle makes my 1.6 pounds super dramatic.  Fantastic!
(This is not unlike the Before photos of non-smiling slouching people to the After photos of smiling sucking in populations.)

I have been moving around, sweating, eating well, and being diligent.  I haven't been counting my points on paper, though I know I have been in my goal range.  This is going to be a LOOOOONG journey, but as the saying goes "Blah blah,blah ..blah."

I pledge the following for my week:

*  WRITE DOWN my weight watchers points, for crying out loud.
*  Make sure I break a sweat for 5 of the 7 days.
*  Drink my water!!!!  Take multivitamin and Omegas.


....I think I have the metabolism of a 150 year old woman, or perhaps my body is deeply emotionally attached to fat cells.  They picnic together and enjoy long walks on the beach...

C'mon, Metabolism-  You better get going in Week Five!!!

Going Vegetarian: A Red Button Issue

Faced with a wonderful portabello burger, one has to ask the question, "Why am I not a vegetarian?"  Matthew and I went over to our friends' place the other night and they cooked up some big beautiful portabello mushroom caps that had been marinated.  We put them between toasted buns and it was amazing.  I didn't miss the beef at all - they were SO GOOD, that I can not tell you enough.  We also had vegetable skewers of summer squash, onion, green and red peppers - who can resist that?!

They are awesome vegetarians.  I say "awesome" not only because they are awesome people, but also because they do not frown upon our lack of being vegetarians.  You know the type who are horrible vegetarians - the ones who "moo" as you take a bite of your burger, or tell you all sorts of tales of horrendous cruelty as you cook up a chicken breast.  They are not these people.  Instead they are beyond accommodating and considerate.  They realize that the decision they made with their nutrition is their decision alone....they are "pro-choice nutritionists"!  What's not to love about that?!

Growing up, I was never one of those children who frowned at their brussel sprouts.  Instead, the vegetables were my favorite part and I always had seconds.  I'm still that same way - I actually prefer the vegetable portions over meat.  For one thing, meat always leaves this horrible taste in my mouth, and I have to immediately eat chew gum or something sweet to battle that meat mouth.  Yuk.

I have also grown oversensitive to hunting - being raised in a Indiana family of hunters where it was common place to find a dead deer hanging inside a barn waiting to be filleted, my oversensitivity was not expected.  The last few times I saw a deer being loaded up in the back of a truck made tears roll from my eyes.  I can't handle it emotionally as an adult. 

On our move out to Oregon, Matt and I saw a lot of horrifying things from the highway that said a lot about meat production in this country.  Dirty, stinky, and beyond enormous facilities, along with semi-trailers filled with animals scrunched together with feathers flying all over the road.  It definitely scarred us, and we have changed some of our ways because of what we saw.

On a less emotional note, meat can be so expensive.  Many of our meals in this apartment are actually vegetarian without that goal in mind.  I believe that we really could go without meat for a long long time and not miss it.

So why am I not a vegetarian?  Because of the red button phenomenon.  The minute I declare, "I am a vegetarian" will be the day that I can think of nothing other than steak, burgers, chicken, and tuna noodle casserole.  The foods I could not have would be an obsession at all hours of the day, and I would probably find myself eating more meat than I do now.  It would be a full out rebellion against broccoli.  This is one of my flaws of character, and yes, I own up to it.

Sorry if I offended anyone with this post - that is not my intention at all.  I just wanted to share a personal debate that's been going on in my brain for the past few years.  I consider myself a pro-choice nutritionist as well, so no, I will not glare at you or be offended as you eat your deer jerky, I promise.

Love to all -

If You're Eating Right or Hate Gluttony, Do Not Read This

So my week has been filled with failure, new horizons, chicken chimichangas, and pizza.
It was a week of a ridiculous schedule made completely impossible by lack of sleep and then too much sleep...(like Seinfeld, I even out). 

I also ran out of my beloved Cinnamon Puffins that inspire great poetry. 

It was all downhill from there.  It's amazing what havoc occured due to interruptions in my routine.  It was made obvious this week that despite all of my drive to get healthy, I am out of control when I'm not following a schedule.  Not to mention that when I didn't have enough sleep, I knew that I would be reaching for fatty goodness.  In preparation, I walked down to the gas station to buy Donut Replacement Therepy (aka "anything remotely healthy found at a gas station").  I'm glad I picked Trail Mix because I was promptly inhaling it two hours later.  I did have a moment when I looked down at my cupped hand full of raisins, peanuts, cashews, and sunflower seeds and thought, "What the hell am I doing?"  I never thought I'd see the day when I binged on trail mix, but there you have it.

Of course, the week didn't get better eating wise.  I began a physically demanding job this week, and after a single day, my legs were completely crippled from my hips to my heels.  Being unemployed for a year and then just hopping right in with more energized enthusiasm than a body can handle will do that to someone.  I hobbled to the closest Mexican Restaurant to make up for the calories lost.

I refuse to weigh in tomorrow, not because I failed this past week, but because I don't want Samm to feel so bad after I show him that I lost 20 pounds in a single week by eating pizza and Mexican food.  That would be rude.  Don't you agree?  Friends don't do that to friends, especially when he's gone organic and stuff.  heeheehee...actually, I KNOW what I weigh because I feel it.  I don't need the numbers to let me know that I feel all flipflopped around and a mess.  It's obvious that this week I completely backtracked, and did not lose weight or get healthier (although the pizza did have pineapple on it - that counts as fruit/veg, right?).  I REFUSE TO SEE THE NUMBERS.  I WANT TO BE IN DENIAL...so I will be.  :)  On Monday, I can pretend that nothing happened, and I'll make sure I have my damn Puffins, and good sleep. 

Cheers to catching up with the damn wagon.

Rethink. Rewind. Revamp.

I have been playing with the idea that weight loss, for me, isn’t about smaller portions of what I’ve been eating for years.  Instead, over the past few weeks I’ve done a complete overhaul on what I choose to put in my body (although the occasional Twizzlers is still a very real part of my diet).  I have done a bit of reading about all of the chemicals in our food, and although I had to stop reading the book that shall remain nameless (see prior posts), I did get a bit of insight into how our bodies handles those chemically laden foods.  It doesn’t.   Our bodies are not recognizing many of the foods we eat as actual foods because of the trend to replace what’s real with what’s cheap.  We suffer as a result in a number of ways – from not feeling satiated after we’ve eaten to not giving our bodies what our bodies need to carry us around each and every day (I maintain that the occasional Twizzlers is perfectly acceptable).

I recently began an organic local produce delivery in an attempt to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables.  I’m not saying organic is the way to go, but I’m giving it a try.  There's something about eating foods untouched by potentially harmful chemicals and antibiotics that reminds me of a simpler time when drive through windows and 44ounce soft drinks would have only existed in science fiction (early science fiction, maybe?).  So far, I have to admit (although extremely unscientifically) that the food actually tastes much better than produce from big box stores, which is often genetically modified to the point of not really being food at all.  Here’s my first produce order:

I also had some staples like chicken, brown and basmati rice, all natural peanut butter (with peanuts being the only ingredient), eggs, and a few other odds and ends thrown in to get me started properly.  I’ll be updating periodically with updates about my deliveries as well as new foods I try as a result of exposure to several new fruits and vegetables that I never would have thought about purchasing at my local grocery store, such as kale.  When was the last time kale was on YOUR grocery list?  I did a quick Internet search on kale preparation and discovered that many people are raving about baked kale chips.  With kale in hand, I decided to give it a try.

It was delicious and amazingly simple.  In a large bowl, I mixed the kale (broken up into chip-sized pieces with the stalks removed) and just a splash of olive oil, added some freshly ground sea salt, then baked at 300 degrees for 22 minutes.  The recipe I found suggested 20 minutes, but I found that the extra 2 minutes helped the chips get a bit crunchier and gave them a deeper smoky flavor.

Oh, and forgive the low quality photos as my Blackberry's camera is on par with dollar store disposables.